Click here to read about an upcoming Christian music star. David, whether you end up making golden records or sit and play in apartments like mine the rest of your life, your impact will be the same. God is using you to change lives in big ways, brother.

Don't tell me you haven't Googled your name at some time or another. I did that tonight and realized that sometimes things from your past have a way of sticking, for better or worse. There are a couple of things that show up that I'm not really ashamed of, just things that wouldn't be there had I shown a little more maturity and thoughtfulness at the time. (Curious now, eh? Don't expect to find anything shocking.) My Stoops for President adventures used to show up, but those seem to have faded away. Bummer.

So I'll be interviewing for some kind of phone job tomorrow where I call and verify people's past employment. Also I'll be taking measurements on a shopping center for an architect. Patience, patience......

I didn't realize The Catcher in the Rye was a humorus piece of classic literature. I'm literally laughing out loud reading this thing.

I know for sure that God has put me on a big path of healing over the last few months. But one very noticeable side effect of my experiences lately is that I don't trust ministers, especially ones I don't know. This runs counter to all of the policies I have ever generated in myself regarding other people. I have always felt that I should trust people unless they prove that they cannot be trusted. But now everytime I see a minister I can't help but wonder if he is for real or not. The big obvious problem with this is that I plan on being in ministry.

It hits me hardest when I walk around in Christian bookstores. I love Christian books and literature, but there is no escaping the fact that there is a lot of fluff and self-promotion among Christian writers. I really bristle now at the ones with the author's face on the entire cover of the book, for no really good reason. The title may be "Letting God Rule" but the cover is a giant portrait of the author. Why? Let your message speak for God, not your ego.

Ok, about an hour ago I (almost frightfully) discovered that there are some people actually reading this blog. So I scanned back through it to see what I had been saying. Two impressions jump out at me: 1) I am really vague and etherial when I talk about things, and 2) It seems like I am girl-crazy (because most of the people I mention are girls). I plead guilty to the first one, but if you know me the second one is pretty laughable. Anyway those are just my impressions of myself.

Also, I never spell out what in the world actually happened to me during the last half of 2004. And, after debating it with myself I've decided that this blog would not be a good place to do that. So, email me if you want the story.

Okay, folks. Here's where I am: I'm living at home, am jobless (for the moment), not deeply involved in a ministry (as of yet), not taking any graduate classes right now, don't really know a lot of people in Tulsa, and am adjusting to a razor thin budget. So, what do I have? Plenty of things, of course. Life's horizon is looking more wild all the time, so I should make the very best of my time right now. So, what do I have on hand? Lots of classic literature. If I don't head down to Abilene early, I have about six months at home to devour a lot of this stuff.

Sitting in front of me is a small stack of books I rescued from some boxes my dad was throwing out. Just right here I have Dante's Inferno, Doctor Zhivago, Death of a Salesman (Arthur Miller), Cannery Row by Steinbeck, A Midsummer Night's Dream (Although I've never really enjoyed reading Shakespeare), The Cantebury Tales, Joyce's A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man, Typee by Herman Melville, and Les Miserables. My life for the past few years has been consumed by a lot of really good reading, but I've left the literary classics behind. No good!

Of course, before this venture begins I must finish books 3, 4, 5, 6, and 7 of the Chronicles of Narnia series. The first two and the first two-thirds of the third have been great. The writing in The Horse and His Boy has been superior to the first two, I believe. I actually think it is unfortunate that The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe is the book of the series that gets all of the attention.

Anyway, that's enough of that. As Johnny Coleman so eloquently stated atop the cliffs of Nicol Lake in Tuscaloosa, "Those books may be good, but nothing is as sharp as the Sword." So true. So, what should my next biblical adventure be? I've successfully begun my handwriting project of Matthew, but I might keep that shelved for the moment. I think I'll continue in Daniel where I left off.

As always, more to come.

It's interesting to see life change in a few minutes. Sending off a letter and resume last week led to an interview and job offer with the Herald of Truth ministry in Abilene this weekend. So, as of Sunday afternoon I was going to be moving to Abilene and then traveling the world. But as of half an hour ago I'm back to where I was because the job offer was rescinded. It was a nice little tease. But it's all good. I figure there is another opportunity waiting, God just wants me to open my eyes to it.

Well folks the slavery system that is DecisionOne is behind me as of yesterday afternoon, and I am off to Abilene now to interview with the Herald of Truth ministry. There is no promise of this working yet, of course, but they seem very interested, and if this becomes reality I'll probably be in Abilene by the end of the month. Like I said earlier, every day can bring something that can change everything. Tonight I'll (hopefully) hang out with Stephanie. Each time I've been in Norman recently we haven't been able to get together.

Last Friday while dining on delicious ten layer lasagna at Spaghetti Warehouse in Oklahoma City I ran into a girl I knew from Stillwater named Destiny. The only reason I mention this is because the last time we really saw each other was when we were both sitting on top of a pile of gravel in Juarez, Mexico philosophizing about faith and life. What was cool was that it seemed as if that conversation picked right back up where it left off. She's one of those people you can tell the spirit of God lives inside. I always cherish those examples.

Anyway, time to get friendly with the Turner Turnpike for a while.

There are two other times in my life where I attempted for a time to keep some kind of journal. One I actually wrote by hand, and it exists hidden away among my library of books. The other still exists online in another place, the link of which can be found if you look hard enough. I looked back over one of them tonight and remembered some things I wrote in the first. And they all have to do with one person who has played a vital role in my life. This weekend I made the painful decision to let her die in my mind. Of course, there is no way to express that thought to anyone in any way that doesn't sound morbid, macabre, and downright creepy. Let me assure you, that's just a way of expressing something that should have naturally been occurring for a year and seven months.

One thing I have learned in my life is that beyond the surface, beyond any kind of attitudes to the contrary, I am an extremely idealistic guy. Things that feed my idealism, especially when it comes to faith and the possibilities of improving the world, really make my blood pump. When I see something that actually has the possibility of making an ideal become true, I become enthralled with it. I think this is one reason I'm so invested in the idea of university missions. The state of this idea in reality is not very impressive, but I see everything in place that can build this concept into more and more of a reality all the time. And then what happens? The world is changed.

A lot of my idealism about life in the past three or so years has been fed by my experience with Jessica. To me, she represents an ideal that is so otherworldly that I cannot help but be totally enthralled by it. Her experience, attitudes, character, faith, and heart represent something to me that is an ideal. If you know her you know what I am talking about. And if you know her really well, you realize how these things are all the more true. I seriously am not exaggerating in the least when I say that she exists as a miraculous work of the Holy Spirit. Long story short, I have been in love with her because of that. For a time, we shared that love with each other. God did amazing things with it. And then he led us to let it go. Or, more accurately, for her to let it go. It was her will, so it was my duty to respect it. But I never stopped loving her. I never stopped dreaming about her. I never stopped wrestling with God through the night as to why he wanted her to go away from me. What's more - the way she behaved in our continuing relationship always kept the image alive that she still felt the same about me. But, that's not the way it is. But I continued to pour myself into her, and let her have that and rely on it in her life, because there's no way I can in good conscience give her anything less.

But now it is time to really let it go. We've made similar decisions to this in the past, but now it is really time. She now has to leave me. And not to go across the world. I've found that distance to be pretty short. She must leave me so that the life I have built on her can fade so that God can actually use me as an instrument again, fully charged to press forward into changing the world for him bit by bit. It is time to stop chasing after and dreaming of an illusion. Jessica has and always will hold my love, but my life can no longer include her. I'd love to make all of this stuff sound poetic and elegant, but I've spent too much time doing that already. My journals from a over a year and half ago waxed eloquent about not having mourned her. Now I must. Now is the time.

God has been writing some very interesting chapters in my life lately. I'm ready for more, but want to see the final resolution to this emotional sub-plot.

Click here for the short version of the 2004 Fiji Mission video.