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Her Death

There are two other times in my life where I attempted for a time to keep some kind of journal. One I actually wrote by hand, and it exists hidden away among my library of books. The other still exists online in another place, the link of which can be found if you look hard enough. I looked back over one of them tonight and remembered some things I wrote in the first. And they all have to do with one person who has played a vital role in my life. This weekend I made the painful decision to let her die in my mind. Of course, there is no way to express that thought to anyone in any way that doesn't sound morbid, macabre, and downright creepy. Let me assure you, that's just a way of expressing something that should have naturally been occurring for a year and seven months.

One thing I have learned in my life is that beyond the surface, beyond any kind of attitudes to the contrary, I am an extremely idealistic guy. Things that feed my idealism, especially when it comes to faith and the possibilities of improving the world, really make my blood pump. When I see something that actually has the possibility of making an ideal become true, I become enthralled with it. I think this is one reason I'm so invested in the idea of university missions. The state of this idea in reality is not very impressive, but I see everything in place that can build this concept into more and more of a reality all the time. And then what happens? The world is changed.

A lot of my idealism about life in the past three or so years has been fed by my experience with Jessica. To me, she represents an ideal that is so otherworldly that I cannot help but be totally enthralled by it. Her experience, attitudes, character, faith, and heart represent something to me that is an ideal. If you know her you know what I am talking about. And if you know her really well, you realize how these things are all the more true. I seriously am not exaggerating in the least when I say that she exists as a miraculous work of the Holy Spirit. Long story short, I have been in love with her because of that. For a time, we shared that love with each other. God did amazing things with it. And then he led us to let it go. Or, more accurately, for her to let it go. It was her will, so it was my duty to respect it. But I never stopped loving her. I never stopped dreaming about her. I never stopped wrestling with God through the night as to why he wanted her to go away from me. What's more - the way she behaved in our continuing relationship always kept the image alive that she still felt the same about me. But, that's not the way it is. But I continued to pour myself into her, and let her have that and rely on it in her life, because there's no way I can in good conscience give her anything less.

But now it is time to really let it go. We've made similar decisions to this in the past, but now it is really time. She now has to leave me. And not to go across the world. I've found that distance to be pretty short. She must leave me so that the life I have built on her can fade so that God can actually use me as an instrument again, fully charged to press forward into changing the world for him bit by bit. It is time to stop chasing after and dreaming of an illusion. Jessica has and always will hold my love, but my life can no longer include her. I'd love to make all of this stuff sound poetic and elegant, but I've spent too much time doing that already. My journals from a over a year and half ago waxed eloquent about not having mourned her. Now I must. Now is the time.

God has been writing some very interesting chapters in my life lately. I'm ready for more, but want to see the final resolution to this emotional sub-plot.


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