There is a strange mental war that goes on in the minds of minister-types (which, I suppose, means me). There is this thing that goes on in your head that says that things aren't going right, or are truly successful, until you have big or growing numbers. This pressure is also external, because it is the one truly tangible thing that can be measured in a spiritual work, so other leaders and elders and such like to look at numbers as a significant measure.

I have come into the leadership of a ministry that to me is small. I just ran a retreat that included 24 people in total, after doing similar things with other groups of 70, 100, and etc. So, naturally, something in the far reaches of my head was a little bit disappointed simply because a scraggly group of 24 does not have that outward visual impressiveness of a room packed with a hundred bodies.

But the funny thing is, every time I start seriously finding myself getting slowed by that mindset, God does something that shows me that the spiritual effect on one person is enough to send all the angels in heaven rejoicing. God uses one person, in a special moment, to show me that He is alive and active and working with a kind of power that I cannot even begin to fathom. Why am I wanting to see hordes of people when God is over in the corner breaking and transforming the heart of a girl who just moved across the country in part to escape a life of debauchery and is just now seeing the light of trust and dependence on others? Why do I sit in my office dreaming of hundreds and hundreds of students streaming to an on-campus worship experience and then have to be reminded of where God really is by being suddenly moved to stand up and walk downstairs to discover a tearful freshman on the front porch of the campus center?

Numbers seemed to be one of the last things on the mind of Jesus. Certainly he challenged the followers to take the message everywhere, but if he was aiming for loads of people during his ministry, he sure came up short big time. And even in the moments where he had the most people, he quickly turned that sour by offering them up some "hard teachings." It seems that one of the perks of being the Son of God is not having to have your ego stroked and feeling like you are winning some kind of spiritual competition. It's the kind of leadership that knows that sitting and talking with a foreign woman getting some water is a world changing event. Being the Son of God gives you the confidence to be okay with the fact that only twelve people (one of whom would be a betrayer and another a denier) are sitting around with you before you are headed off to die for what supposedly is the redemption of all humanity.

So, I wonder, what are we looking to for satisfaction of a job well done before God? Stadiums of people holding candles and singing worship songs? A full house on Sunday morning? Or could it be that God is over in the shadows, slowly softening the heart of that unknown college student walking down the sidewalk, and is going to use you to cross paths in some random way at just the right time? In a way that will never be readily apparent to others? Could it be that what God is up to is for you to answer that IM that pops up at midnight from someone fighting an addiction? These things aren't necessarily going to mean, or even sometimes be connected to, numerically growing ministries or churches. But that's okay, because God has called you to his work - wherever it is and whatever it looks like. It's not about success, it's about faithfulness.

You are college students, with a long life ahead of you, so full of potential and promise. You may disagree with me, but I believe that the modern version of Christianity that you have learned from your parents, your Sunday school teachers, and even your campus ministries is destined to be a medieval cathedral. It’s over, or almost over.

Most of your peers live in a different world from you. They have already crossed the line into the postmodern world. But few of you have. Why? Because you want to be faithful to the Christian upbringing you have received, which is so thoroughly enmeshed with modernity.

One of the most important choices you will make in your whole lives will be made in these few years at this university. Will you continue to live loyally in the fading world, in the waning light of the setting sun of modernity? Or will you venture ahead in faith, to practice your faith and devotion to Christ in the new emerging culture of postmodernity?

I don’t think you’ll hear many people my age urging you to do what I’m about to urge you to do. But I will say it boldly: I want you to invest your lives not in keeping the old ship afloat but in designing and building and sailing a new ship for new adventures in a new time in history, as intrepid followers of Jesus Christ.

–Brian McLaren

(Thanks Amy)

Today I was reading a book on the porch swing in front of the student center where I work when there was a minor three car accident on the street in front of me. A car bumped the car in front of her, which threw that car forward into another car. Nothing too serious, except that the large, muscle-bound driver of the front car immediately flew into a massive profanity-laced rage and burst out of his car and began to charge the cars behind him, screaming with fists raised. Thankfully nothing violent happened, but there was a moment where I was afraid for the two other drivers.

Rage is a terrible phenomenon. I understand the forces of anger, but rage seems to be what happens when all dams burst and control is completely lost. I'm no expert on this at all, but it seems that rage is something that either happens a lot in a person or rarely at all. I used to work for someone who experienced rage a lot, and would end up doing terrible things like destroying doors in his home and chasing down and yelling at people who did him wrong in traffic (even with his five year old daughter in the car). What's worse is that this person was a minister. There are a lot of weaknesses that I will afford ministers, because they are simply human, but rage is a dangerous weapon that must never be in the arsenal of a spiritual leader.

So where does the control of rage come from? It may not seem like this now, but word is that I had a really low breaking point as a child and would fly into rages. Apparently my mom moved electronic equipment out of my room so that I would not destroy it. I credit the natural process of maturity for growing me out of that, but I think the more important aspect is simply trusting the world around you and realizing that you do have a large amount of control of normal life. In my experience, rage seems to come from people who have taught themselves that the world is against them, and therefore control is largely lost and must be fought for. The incompetencies of others (which are certainly a reality) then become sort of strange conspiracy against you which must be constantly fought. This creates a constant frustration that lowers the emotional breaking point. I've seen this before and I saw it again today. The mistake of the girl in the last car suddenly became an attack against the angry man in the front car. This event didn't make him angry - he had already done that himself.

So, I propose that the best answer to this is somewhat of a paradox. Avoiding rage is about maintaining control, but maintaining control in life is largely about letting go of it. There is a big difference between losing and letting go. The famous sermon by Jesus gave some almost ludicrous suggestions: "If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you." Doing these kinds of things is the exact opposite of control. But we are promised that when we let go of it, someone else, someone much more capable, someone much more competent, takes it up for us.

One of the great things about universities is that most are carriers of a long and highly developed set of traditions. Most major universities in America are a century old or older, and this kind of time ferments a set of behaviors that work their way into the collective consciousness of the school and are handed down from one generation of students to the next as expectations that new students and members of the community pick up and generally carry with pride. I think this is one reason that people often maintain a sense of loyalty to their university - the tradition is something that immediately makes you part of something much bigger than yourself and connects you to people all over the world, past and present, who have participated in that same unique set of behaviors. People who care little for their college experience very rarely are connected with something that was built by tradition.

Before I even became a freshman at the University of Oklahoma, I was introduced into the deep world of tradition there through the Camp Crimson summer orientation program. We even practiced holding our fingers straight into the air and belting out in that monastic-sounding chant: "O-K-L-A-H-O-M-AAAYYY..." There are hundreds of little things like this that you pick up over the years. Alabama was rich in tradition, and even the little Christian school in West Texas. "May the Lord Bless You and Keep You," anyone? And I know these places pale in comparison to places like Texas A&M, where I'm sure there is some traditional way to breathe.

So, I'm in my quest of picking up the Kansas State University traditions. Little by little I'm making progress, but I'm sure it will be years before I really have an understanding of most things. For now in my spare time at home I'll throw on Wabash Cannonball and work on my sway:


(I can't find a really good video of this, so if you know of one, let me know)

Update:
I've been impressed with the intense traditionalism at Texas A&M ever since I saw this live years ago:

1. Call Dad to see what it would cost to have his company print a banner.
2. Have my secretary call other places to get prices.
3. Decide that my Dad's price is the best.
4. Order the banner.
5. Get the banner in the mail.
6. Have student install banner in front of church.
7. Get email from woman who drives by church, sees banner.
8. Correspond with woman.
9. Have woman come to church for first time since middle school, bringing three children.
10. Have woman ask you to baptize her.
11. Baptize woman.
12. Rejoice with woman's new spiritual family.
13. Marvel at the strange and wonderful ways that God works.