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This and That

Somehow I ran myself into a mental corner with this blog, so I'm going to back up and start a little bit fresh with this entry.

I hope that I'm not running around in life just doing what other people want me to do. Every now and then I get that odd feeling. Once in about every thousand thoughts I sometimes think that's why I'm in Abilene now. Abilene is a place where I can go for a while and supposedly gain a greater insight into my own faith. That, or become a religious wheel-spinner. I haven't even started classes and I've already picked up on a Graduate School of Theology culture - spent hours sitting around with some guys diving into the depths of the theological mind, church culture, historical intricacies of a world movement, philosophical ponderations - all of which I seem to be able to do - and ultimately nothing is different. A bunch of guys just spent three hours trying to impress each other with how much they could come up and how learned they can sound. So, here I am, willingly participating in all of this. But is this really what I want to be doing? And for another three and half years? My only solace in this thought is that when I first started OU I couldn't shake the feeling that I was doing the totally wrong thing. Fortunately, God used it to change my life completely.

So, on top of that is the fact that I've been traversing the country this year so that I can join in the joy of my friends getting married. This is awesome - I've been very honored to be asked to be in the wedding party of several marriages lately. But here I am back in Tulsa right now, sitting in a week and a half holding pattern so that I can be a part of two different weddings. Then I head to Norman for several days of the 49th annual National Campus Ministries Seminar. This is a great life - and I praise God for every bit of it - but I'm realizing that through the past several months I have participated in almost nothing of my own design, even on a daily basis. Even having been handed that kind of freedom by going to Abilene the first part of July has really only resulted in me immediately becoming a program director of sorts for one of the big campus ministries in town. I know that it sounds like I'm complaining about all this - and believe me I know that every single one of the things I have mentioned are fantastic and amazing opportunities. I think my frustration lies in the feeling that I haven't harnessed the time that I have had away from all these things to really design my own course; to really sit with God and search my passions. I think that I'm running on the steam of a lot of formerly developed passions right now and not throwing new coal on the fire. So, what do I do when I'm "away" from all those other things? Pretty much nothing right now. I literally sit and do nothing. I need to work on a renewed fire, or the next month, year, three years.....

Help me have faith that God gives us exactly what we need exactly when we need it.


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